Dirty Countach

Top 5 Worst Bands of All Time

dirtycountach — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 07:55:08 +0000

People always say to me, they say, “Hey, Dirty Countach, you hate stuff.” Yes.
“What bands do you hate the most?”

To be honest, that question pisses me off, because anybody who really knows me knows that I am usually way too angry at a band to learn their names and songs and shit like that. However, I’ve compiled a list of the 5 bands I think I hate most. I can’t guarantee that all the details are straight, but you can probably fill in the gaps. So here they are from 5 to 1, but I pretty much hate them all equally:

5. Hum Chuck Djemboree
How long can a dreaded white dude from an affluent New England town bang away on a single drum? The Hum Chuckers are willing to show you with their latest magusical jam exploring the “Universal Tone” called “Donkey Banjo Romp Fizz.” Rumor has it that lead light percussion player Gibby went 32 minutes straight on a singing bowl at last year’s Bonnaroo.

4. Boat Shoes
How many smug fucking lyrics can a group of thin, ironically collared white kids from an affluent New England town cram into a single album? The answer, apparently, is infinite. Try getting through the first tune on their latest exploration of how different neighborhoods in New York suck in different ways or which types of punctuation marks really have outstayed their welcome.

3. Second Battle of Manassas
Please. I need more jagoffs dressed vaguely like veterans of the Civil War taking me on a stringed journey through the psyche of their beta male lead singer. Ooooh, those notes are so high and clean, I almost forgot how big of a pussy you are. I can’t imagine how that she-wolf goddess you found over yon turned away the arrows that flew from your heart. Well, perhaps anon, a supple doe will cross your path, and you’ll have to write a fucking 45-minute lyrical ballad set to mandolins to win her.

2. That Guy in the Fedora
For the love of Christ, take off that stupid fucking hat and stop killing the legacy of doo-wop with your cold, dead eyes and your soulless wisp of a mustache.

1. James Taylor
Seriously. Fuck that guy.

Vagina Canyon

dirtycountach — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 22:07:07 +0000

Thank God. I was really starting to fear they would die lonely with only 18 children to carry on their legacy:

“It’s 19 kids now. 18 Kids and Counting mom Michelle Duggar gave birth to a baby girl Thursday night via emergency C-section, although she wasn’t due to give birth until spring, reportedly on March 18.” ) from Huffington Post.

Friday = Countaches + Ladies

dirtycountach — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:45:24 +0000

World Cup Groups Set

dirtycountach — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:32:42 +0000

Yea! It’s the one day of the year we can all pretend to give a shit about the Dutch.

Soldiers on Acid

dirtycountach — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 23:09:26 +0000

Apparently, “Soldiers on Acid” isn’t the name of a bizarre jam band-grindcore cross-over act.

Friday = Countaches + Ladies

dirtycountach — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:04:58 +0000

It’s like 1987 up in here.

Growl

dirtycountach — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:18:54 +0000

Who knew wolves were so homoerotic?

Bogies Like Fireflies

dirtycountach — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:35:40 +0000

I dare you not to start humming the Top Gun theme song.

Friday = Countaches + Ladies

dirtycountach — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:41:20 +0000

So classy.

Atheism

dirtycountach — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:57:22 +0000

Late on the evening of November 4th, 2009, the world looked on in disbelief as it was finally proven that there truly is no God.