People always say to me, they say, “Hey, Dirty Countach, you hate stuff.” Yes.
“What bands do you hate the most?”
To be honest, that question pisses me off, because anybody who really knows me knows that I am usually way too angry at a band to learn their names and songs and shit like that. However, I’ve compiled a list of the 5 bands I think I hate most. I can’t guarantee that all the details are straight, but you can probably fill in the gaps. So here they are from 5 to 1, but I pretty much hate them all equally:
5. Hum Chuck Djemboree
How long can a dreaded white dude from an affluent New England town bang away on a single drum? The Hum Chuckers are willing to show you with their latest magusical jam exploring the “Universal Tone” called “Donkey Banjo Romp Fizz.” Rumor has it that lead light percussion player Gibby went 32 minutes straight on a singing bowl at last year’s Bonnaroo.
4. Boat Shoes
How many smug fucking lyrics can a group of thin, ironically collared white kids from an affluent New England town cram into a single album? The answer, apparently, is infinite. Try getting through the first tune on their latest exploration of how different neighborhoods in New York suck in different ways or which types of punctuation marks really have outstayed their welcome.
3. Second Battle of Manassas
Please. I need more jagoffs dressed vaguely like veterans of the Civil War taking me on a stringed journey through the psyche of their beta male lead singer. Ooooh, those notes are so high and clean, I almost forgot how big of a pussy you are. I can’t imagine how that she-wolf goddess you found over yon turned away the arrows that flew from your heart. Well, perhaps anon, a supple doe will cross your path, and you’ll have to write a fucking 45-minute lyrical ballad set to mandolins to win her.
2. That Guy in the Fedora
For the love of Christ, take off that stupid fucking hat and stop killing the legacy of doo-wop with your cold, dead eyes and your soulless wisp of a mustache.
1. James Taylor
Seriously. Fuck that guy.
